Parts of this will be sort of TMI, I'll admit right up front, but bear with me.
When I was growing up in the Christian Church, I was constantly reminded that I was made by God. Whether it was my pastor going over that one Jeremiah verse or some of the songs we sang on Sunday morning or in Youth Group. I was reminded that everything I was, God fashioned right out of his own mind and his own desires. I was made with specific goals in mind and he would raise me up for some purpose.
Even at 15 or 16 I thought God fucked up somewhere along the line. I've already explained the fact my most common prayer growing up was "God, make me a girl" or alternatively "God, make me want to be a boy." Even when I was young I knew things were wrong, and I knew I felt weird. I crossdressed, I played girls' roles in imagination games with my friends, I would go online and erect a female persona, and if I had the opportunity, I'd play as a female character in a video game.
Almost every morning from puberty on, I've woken up with this completely, and quite literally painfully, obvious reminder of how much of a guy I am. Every time I see a naked or sexy image, I'm reminded I'm a guy. Standing around people I'm attracted to reminds me I'm a guy. I couldn't do anything about it though.
In my youthful mind, God made me this way. God built me into a male-bodied person. I had to live with that or I'd be messing with his plan. It would be easily within his power, he could look at his "Kevin.D.1212" program and change the Ys to Xs. He could tweak that little annoying nagging part of my brain that screamed "I am not a guy!" every time I felt arousal.
Without God in my life now, I'm trapped in this world where I am the way I am, but I can't do anything about it either. It's no longer the fear of pissing off my creator that keeps me from talking about it, but the fear of losing everything that I have. My extended family will almost definitely abandon me, I'm pretty sure my immediate family would, I don't know how many friends would stand by me when I'm having the problems that are sure to come, and although I can't be fired (the head honcho for my company passed a fully-encompassing ENDA) there's no guarantee my job won't suddenly become Hell.
It's scary to me, but it's depressing at the same time. I don't like who I am, and I don't like waking up every morning with this feeling that I shouldn't have what I have. It's disgusting to me, and I would change it in a heartbeat if I could. I just don't know where, or how, to start, and each day I get older and further and further separated from being able to do anything about it.